Ironing out the kinks
by ForPony39
Summary: Crackfic. Sexy, shameless, crack.


**_I don't even know._**

 ** _..._**

 _Emma looked down at the ropes that bound her hands together, concentrating on trying to use what little wiggle room she had to free her hands, but they were just too tight. She never thought such a thing could happen to a women of her standing, to be kidnapped by pirates! Snatched from her room as she readied for bed, it was madness! Her dress was simple, but ragged – it had endured as much as she had during her capture. The white corset still held firm but the loose underskirt was tattered and ripped, she was indecently exposed, only half dressed, it made her feel vulnerable._

" _It's no use, lass."_

 _Emma looked up at the tall figure that reminded her of this, the famous Captain Hook. He wore a long leather coat, a vest as red as freshly spilt blood, inky black hair mussed from wind and rain. He was as imposing as he was devastatingly handsome as he looked down on her._

" _I demand you release me at once!" she hissed._

" _After all the trouble and considerable peril I risked to acquire you?" Killian asked, crouching down to her level so that the blue of his eyes was more visible, more piercing than any blue Emma had even seen. "I think not. I could hardly bare the idea of leaving such a pretty thing behind, let alone letting it go," he said, reaching out to gently twist a lock of her blond hair between his fingers. "Pirates are terribly partial to gold, love."_

" _My father will come for me, and with him he shall bring an armada! You won't get away with this!" She vowed._

" _Oh, we are far from anywhere your father would think to search, lass. I wouldn't dare risk letting anyone whisk you away from me now. " His hand brushed her face. "And to not have you now would be a crime worse than all others I've committed." His hook slipped between the ropes bind her wrists, pulling her hands up and forcing them above her head. "So, have you I shall."_

"… _Have me?" she asked hesitantly, eyes widening, unable to squirm away from the intimate closeness. Captain Hook smiled, and it sent a shiver down her spine, his hand sliding down her neck, her shoulder, moving to her back. His nimble fingers began dancing with the laces of her corset, coaxing them loose…_

" _In every way a woman can be had," He whispered, leaning in close-_

"Oh my god."

Emma and Killian's head whipped around as they both saw Henry standing in the doorway of his room, having just opened the door, giant headphones he'd obviously just been wearing now around his neck as his eyes bulged out of his head.

"Henry!" Emma yelped, arms flying apart as the loose bit of rope came apart, Killian tried to stand up so fast he fell over. "I thought you were gone! You're supposed to be at Pinocchio's!"

"And I wish to god I was!" Henry replied, horrified. He slammed his hands over his ears. "I need brain bleach! For my own sanity, I need to have not heard any of that!"

"Lad, I can expla-" Killian began.

"LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!" Henry shouted, hands still covering his ears as he broke for the door, slamming it behind him. Killian and Emma listened for a minute as Henry's sing song voice loudly droning on to drown out any and all possible noise slowly faded, leaving them alone with the awkwardness in the apartment.

"That. Was utterly horrifying," Killian said, burying his face in his hand.

"Yeah… Welp, damage is done there. Let's just start again," Emma said, grabbing the rope and quickly wrapping it around her wrists.

"Are you sure?" Killian asked very unsurely.

"This is the only time the house is going to be empty for more than an hour, we are doing this. Ok, ready?" She didn't wait for his answer as she cleared her throat, blinked her wide eyes at him and did her very best to get back into character.

"… Have me?" she asked again, adding a small lip tremble this time.

"Ah. Yes. In… uh… every way… a woman! In every way a woman can be had!"  
Emma frowned at him, obviously not buying his performance. "Your son just ran screaming from your home, the mood is a bit damaged. I don't get back into character as quickly as you do," He said a little defensively.

"Killian, you're not wearing a costume, that hook is real, you were _literally_ a pirate for three hundred years," Emma said, rolling her eyes.

"And I plundered and pillaged with the best-"

"Good! Draw on that! Draw from your history and make it authentic!" Emma encouraged excitedly.

"I never did this!" he exclaimed, laughing. "I _charmed_ bar wenches, widows, and wives! A few milk maids, occasionally some women of the night even-"

"Okay, okay! I get it!" Emma cut in, eyes squeezing tightly closed to push away the infuriating mental images of Killian with other women. "You were a ladies man, draw on a little bit of that."  
She batted her eyes at him like some innocent maiden. "Maybe think of something that makes you a little angry, and take it out on your captive with a spanking."

"Do you really want Gold on my mind while we do this 'roleplay' of yours?" Killian deadpanned sarcastically.

"You are making it _really_ hard to hold onto a mood."

"That is my greatest source of rage," Killian said with a shrug.

"I said angry! Not bloodthirsty, I am so NOT interested in your murder boner!"

"And what sort of adult demands a spanking exactly?"

Emma's innocent beguiling expression evaporated as her eyes narrowed in annoyance, looking like she just might reach over and slap him. "You are dangerously close to not getting laid all together."

Killian sighed exasperatedly and rubbed his eyes. "Swan, I'm tired, can we not just have sex?"

"Killian, this wenches corset is expensive and I'm only renting it. I made a whole backstory here, you have your pirate duds on, this is happening! Okay?"

"Very well, as you wish." He said, standing. "Should I enter the room again?"

"Yeah, let's start fresh," Emma agreed, taking a deep breath and letting it out. Killian went around the corner, out of sight...

 _He swaggered into sight, a dark silhouette in the doorway, leather coat being tugged at by a small breeze, his broad shoulders tapering down to allude to a lithe muscular form._

" _Comfortable?" he asked, voice smooth and warm like a fine whiskey._

" _Stay back!" Emma warned as he casually swept into the room, his presence somehow filling the space to the point she felt as if she might drown in him._

" _I've no mind to hurt you, lass. In fact, I plan to take my time in doing quite the opposite." His grin was sharp, and predatory, enough to make her gulp. Yet her body betrayed her, trembling with want-_

The door burst open and the ghost of Graham came flying through it. "WAIT!"

"What the fuck!?" Emma cried.

"Bloody hell, I was really in character that time," Killian groaned, kicking the wall sullenly. He pointed at the floating ghost with frustration. "Emma if you want to add people to the "roleplay" you have to bloody discuss it with me!"

"I didn't invite a third! No one else is joining in on this – and Graham is dead for godsakes!"

"Emmmmmmma! Don't have kinky piiiiiiiiirate sex with him!" Graham moaned direly.

"Are you kidding me right now? You are literally dead, how are you here? Why are you here?" Emma demanded.

"Do yooooou have aaaaaaaaany idea what kinky sex does to your careeeeeeeeeer?" he asked, voice echoing from beyond the veil. Then, voice now sounding totally normal, he said, "It ends it. It ends it badly."

"Career? What are you talking about, I'm a cop!" Emma replied exasperatedly.

"I thought you were an important official's daughter?" Killian whispered aside, sounding confused now.

"Honey, please, this is not part of the role play," Emma near pleaded, burying her face in her hands now.

"Wait, did you court this fellow?"

"Are you seriously about to flip the jealousy switch over a ghost?" she asked, voice muffled by her hands.

"I have waded in these waters, I may never recover! Tuuuurn baaaack! Before its tooooooooo laaaaaaaaaaate!" Graham warned in his ghostly voice. Emma did not move or react at all to this while Killian looked back and forth between her and Graham.

"Graham… if the future really holds kinky sex with my pirate boyfriend so filthy that it summons a fucking ghost from the beyond to stop me," she said, lifting her face from her hands to meet his semitransparent face. "I am charging headlong into that future to rock my pirate boyfriend's goddamn universe," Emma told him frankly. Graham and Killian both blinked at Emma, stunned.

"This. This is true love." Killian said hoarsely.

"… Why did I have to die in season 1?" Graham sighed mournfully.

"Get. Out." Killian ground out immediately, ripping his coat off.

"I hate you so much," Graham muttered, floating out the door, letting it close behind him.

"My whole universe Swan?" Killian asked, amused and impressed. 'Eager' possibly in there somewhere. To his surprised she sighed, shoulders sagging as she faced him.

"Ok, I'm sorry Killian, but for realsies? All the wind has kinda gone from my sails," Emma pouted.

"Oh…" Killian answered simply, deflating. "Do you… want to just watch the Netflix again?" Killian asked, sounding equally disappointed now.

"No – just – goddamn it. Killian, am I pretty?"

"You are lovely beyond words," Killian supplied instantly.

"Then for the love of god, get in the game and ravage me!"

"… _I give the orders here, love." He informed her after a brief hesitation. "Insubordination of any kind must be… punished," he said with a grin, grabbing her by the waist_.

"Annnnd we're back in business baby," Emma sang under her breath.

 **...**

 **I still don't even know.**


End file.
